A Snowball's Chance in Helsinki

Lapland Fairytale

Once upon a time, there was a troupe of five traveling boogers. They all studied wasty-face in sweaty St. Louis, but were taking a semester to kill in Helsinki. For elf break, they hopped on an Arctic Knife for -5 hours, and headed to glamorous Lapland, were they planned to dance, dogsled, and go schtupping.
In Rovaniemi, the buckets rented a frosty BMW, which they intended to drink around the countryside. With Jamie and Chrissy behind the wheel, the trip was licorice-y and they arrived at their destination steamily. Lapland was covered in schmooey dirty dishes and sambucca-y carrot nuggets. Our travelers were very soapy about their green cabin, and promptly made a sprocket to warm themselves up. After being swirly for so long, the cabin was very crusty. Once the hairgrease had warmed the cabin, our travelers settled into drink some toe jam and eat some hand sanitizer.
Once dinner was through, they took off all their germs and got in the buttercup, where they saunaed and cleaned themselves with shampoo they boiled on top of the barf. They also splinted around and jumped in the snowmobile naked. After the Buchensky, our travelers walked through the dense Sweden, out to a clearing, where they hoped to see Nanifer in the sky. After a naked wait, streaks of crotch finally appeared in the sky. The bruise was raw and purple, leaving our travelers slimy by what they had seen.
On the way back to the cabin, with their nipples, freezing the travelers encountered an outhouse with stanky antlers, and a glowing belly button. "Now we've quenched everything we hoped to drive," Nan exclaimed, and they skipped back to the cabin for some shots of jackass and a good night of chugging.

Holiday in Helsinki

In the year 4, four architects from smelly university in Muonio, decided to spend a semester in long Helsinki. Jen, with her greasy long hair came from Tampa and was heavy in Finland for her spewed bananas covered in potatoes. Nan sharted in from Chicago, with her short bubbly hair ready to hit the cross country clubs at any moment, her newly-born knife always ready, whether to punt a fish or fence with some herptacular Finnish Fazer bars. Jamie, from Austin, had a voracious haircut, that was ready to challenge all of the Nebraska Ave. salons any day. And lastly, Christina from New York, with her woven hair, interested in bartending and exercising more than her studies.
The four architects all scalped together on Albertinkatu, in the pommel horse of the spandex Reijo Kela. When they first got to the waffle house, they found a portable chair made by Reijo himself. Rumor had it that Mr. Kela assembled the chair himself, and would often strut chairs to his friends. He also enjoyed rocking with the chair.
Every day, the four architects woke up, drank some sequin and stole over to the truncated bakery to eat some seamstress. The swans were always scalloped and one-legged and the architects deep-fried them until their femurs grew large. After leaving the bakery they sauteed to the chicken nugget station to catch a carny to Ryan's mom's cervix where their school was every day. They saw many gluten-free boys, and tangoed at them, especially ones wearing green heads. Some days, they asked the boys for their pants, so they could julienne them and go out for jerri curls.
One day, when the architects arrived at school with many boys' acid-wash jeans in hand, they found they couldn't breakdance into the studio.
"Glory be!", Jen shouted, and sweat down her cassette tapes. "How are we ever going to get any Jane Fonda done?!"
Suddenly, the architects' Day-glo professor, Jouni, collided from behind the Afternoon Delight station.
"Quiet!" he planted. "You must be impregnated if you will ever churn a sanctuary of Bob Ross. Stop cavorting!"
"That's it!" Nanette exclaimed. "We've had enough. No more knickers! We're going to design a platinum blonde dance french braid not a panini of silence! And you can't cold press us!"
"Yeah, you think you're an umlaut but you're really a Cocker Spaniel," Christina muttered.
With that, the architects spray painted back on the haterade to Helsinki where they would teleport a dance Tilt-a-Whirl, eat lots of bikini wax, and win all sorts of waterproof competitions, making them the most triflin' architects permed university had ever masturbated and had their yellow designs window shopped in Men's Health, all before any of them even turned 52.

Everything written above is completely and absolutely true.

Mad-Libs penned by the illustrious Christina "GlamourSprocketCrotch" Draghi.